A tale of two ultrasounds

There are few things in life that can immediately and irrevocably change your life plans, and finding out you're going to be a parent probably tops the list. I'll never forget the moment that Meg and I got the positive pregnancy test and jointly realized (in this order and approximately 0.3 milliseconds apart):
1) We're having a BABY! Wheeeee!
2) Holy shit, we're having a baby

3) LET'S GO BUY ADORABLE ONESIES

4) We need to get our acts together

We made our pilgrimage to the book store and got the pregnancy books, and, sticking to tradition, Megan has read about 17 books while I've skimmed through the pages of one (Pssssh, I'm a medical professional, how tricky can these things be?)

The first ultrasound (8 weeks)

We wanted to be cautious in the opening weeks and not blast it out on Facebook just in case we had the misfortune of not carrying our little miracle to term. We decided that after our first ultrasound at 8 weeks, if we saw the heartbeat and everything looked good, we could start to expand our excitement from private to public. There was an incredible anxiety to seeing our little one for the first time and making sure everything was okay. They say that hearing the heartbeat for the first time is when you really start to make a place in your life for the little guy- it really sinks in and you start to adapt your life plan around adding someone new to the family.

Imagine our surprise when there were two little heartbeats... TWO little miracles in there. The doctor conducting the ultrasound nonchalantly announced that we would be having twins. Despite weeks of me joking with Megan that she was probably going to drop quadruplets and observing that from her symptoms she was getting REALLY pregnant REALLY fast, it was still the shock of a lifetime. Our reactions were interesting; I burst into happy/nervous/hysterical laughter, and Megan burst into happy/nervous/overwhelmed tears.

We were shocked. There were no fertility drugs, a very scant history of twins on Megan's side and none on my side. Our cozy family of two was going to expand into a mini-van-necessary family of four in a matter of months.

Cue the cinematic montage of us adapting to this huge change:
- Picking out second names for boys and girls in case we got two of each
- Meg checking out an additional 7 books from the library
- Diligent research on the best brand of double-strollers
- Me quietly shelving any hopes of owning a sports car within the next 2 decades
- Giving her belly 2 kisses goodnight instead of 1
- Can we fit TWO cribs in the nursery? Can we fit TWO of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE?
- Looking at our finances, organizational abilities, strengths and weaknesses, and deciding that while twins wouldn't be our first choice, we love both these little multi-cellular sacs of goo anyway and WE CAN DO THIS. we think we can do this

We were hoping hoping hoping for a boy and a girl but would've been ecstatic even if it was 2 boys, 2 girls, or 1 human child and 1 puppy (it's a MIRACLE, remember?). There are some odd prides in being pregnant with twins:
- Man, are we FERTILE
- Try to keep up with the Reamsnyders now! Booya!
- We can buy ADORABLE sets of outfits (Halloween: Ketchup and Mustard! OSU games: Football jersey and cheerleader outfit! Give them ALL to me!)

However, amid the excitement, there was great fear. Besides the overwhelming changes to the life plan, there was increased danger. The likelihood of needing a C-section increases to 60% with multiples. Multiples immediately put Megan onto the "High-risk" pathway for prenatal care and check-ups.   The little squishy guy on the right was measuring smaller than the little squishy guy on the left. The doctor told us to be cautious and to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound. Our day of joy in confidently shouting the news from the rooftops would have to wait.

The second ultrasound (10 weeks)
For 2 weeks, we prepared anxiously for confirmation of our 2 little champs' viability. The first ultrasound was just a snapshot in time, but the second would give us insight into their progression and trajectory. We hoped for the best but tried to mentally prepare for the worst. Our visions of a family of four could shrink to three, or the absolute worst fear- no additions at all. The day before and the morning of the appointment were intentionally full of attention-consuming activities, but the tension was still apparent. Finally, it was time to go to the doctor's office and see what there was to see.

If you've never seen an ultrasound in person before, I can assure you that it is NOT intuitively grasped.  There's basically a whole lot of black and white blurs and it's very hard to perceive size or depths. That being said, I could tell more from watching the doctor's movements than from the screen itself; a definite and confident pause on one white blur (is that a little ARM I see wiggling?), and then an uncomfortable search for a second white blur. After what seemed like an eternity but couldn't have really been more then 10 seconds, the doctor announced that she could only see one baby, but that it was a very healthy-looking baby. It is hard to describe the conflicting, but equally powerful, emotions that rocked me with this latest revelation. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We had mentally prepared for the possibility of a vanishing twin but you don't really know how it will make you feel until the news hits you. In fact, this happened a few days ago and I still don't know exactly how to feel.
The sadness in losing one was in stark contrast to the joy at seeing the healthy one. And this little guy put on a show as if to convince us that it indeed was going to become a permanent fixture in our lives;  

 If there was ever any doubt that this was indeed the child of Jake Reamsnyder:
1) Look at that head! That's a classic giant-Reamsnyder dome
2) This thing had attitude and most of all it had MOVES. It was gyrating and wiggling in the ways that only Drunk-at-A-Wedding-Jake can showcase 
3) Upon seeing this little guy (now dubbed Baby Wiggles) alive and well, we unconditionally and irreconcilably fell in love with it. 

 So we shall be a family of three. We are still struggling to wade through the tides and waves of the conflicting emotions. I had made space in my heart for two and now I guess I'll just have to love one twice as much. The hardest thing is that one is just GONE while the other is doing so well. The body just reabsorbs it while maintaining the other pregnancy. Ever since reaching real adulthood in the last few years, if I knew that at age 25, I'd be living comfortably with a beautiful wife and a baby on the way, I would have said "That sounds like life is going according to the perfect plan." But, all it takes is a 5-minute ultrasound of seeing two little heartbeats, and you throw away years of the best-laid plans; you want that whole new plan more than anything you've ever wanted. For just two weeks I went all-in on my big family and it is hard to snap back, even if I'm really just going back to the old, originally-ideal plan.

 The pictures from the first ultrasound and our memories are the only evidence of what might have been.
 When thinking rationally, I accept that something must not have been right with the second one and that it is for the best. When thinking rationally, I accept that having just one will be easier and safer for all. When thinking rationally, I accept that we have all indications of a beautiful baby on the way and that is news to be cherished and treasured. But I struggle to think rationally, and I struggle to accept.

Writing this is somewhat cathartic as I have had tremendous difficulty expressing myself when talking to people over the last few days. How can I express the relief and joy at seeing one healthy baby, while not glossing over the sadness and guilt I feel over the second? How can I be excited about the blessing we have without dishonoring the one we don't? I know that over time the raw anguish will subside and be replaced with the richness and wonder, the fullness of life that will come with raising Baby Wiggles.

My mom, in her pseudo-Catholic-Buddhist spirituality, comforts us and tells us that maybe we just weren't meant to meet this little soul at this time but that she's sure we will meet it eventually. She was telling us about the miscarriage she had a little bit before she had my oldest brother Lee, and while the sadness and grief is still evident while she tells us of something that happened over 3 decades ago, I am comforted by her conviction that it was meant to be. If the miscarriage hadn't happened, the timing would have all been off, and me and my siblings would not be as we are. If that were so, there would be no Jake and Megan, and there would be no Baby Wiggles right now. I take some comfort in the fact that if our situation was different, we might be depriving somebody 20 years down the road of meeting our second or third child as their soulmate.
 Fate is a precarious, damned fickle thing. I hope fate knows what it is doing.

Moving up to the big leagues

If anyone still reads this, I'm announcing a big time re-focus on the blog's purpose. For once, life events are interesting enough to merit blog updates. Also, I'm pretending for at least a little bit to be professional enough to no longer write about the insanity that is life as a retail pharmacist. Quick hitters, with more detailed posts to follow:

1. I've now been licensed as a pharmacist for CVS for a year now. I was initially put in a bad situation (extremely busy store, little support, far from home) but have since been promoted to be the chief pharmacist at a cozy little store much closer to home. Customers still have the potential to drive me crazy (of course) but otherwise I'm mostly happy with my work situation.

 2. I'm getting Lasik surgery for my eyeballs! I've never been a fan of wearing glasses and I'm excited to say good riddance to them. By the end of August, I'll be able to buy regular sunglasses, see things more than 15 feet away while playing sports or in the water, and most importantly- finally be able to stash a pen behind my ear while I'm working.

 3. Our little suburban castle has been completed and we moved in at the end of April. While many will mock our decision to build a home that is less than a mile from my parents, Meg's parents, and the high school we both graduated from, I say: I had a good upbringing and want to provide the same to my children... speaking of which...

4. Megan is pregnant! We endeavored to fill up our new suburban home with new life forms, and we wasted little time in accomplishing that task. Happy to report that my swimmers are strong and her eggs are plentiful and timely. Current due date of early March 2013. Hoping for a litter of 10 boys so I can immediately start organizing my lacrosse dynasty. Life is progressing at dangerous speeds! You can take comfort in the fact that we have no clue what we're doing.

Brag blog = blag?

My self esteem is faltering due to a "challenging" work situation, so I am here to brag about my life so that I feel better. I mean, blogs are only really good for 3 things: 1. Complaining 2. Bragging 3. Awesome Youtube videos. I might as well be up front about it; this is a brag post.

Last time I wrote was in March...

Since then I:

1) Got back into coaching and loved it



2) Toasted my big brother at his wedding



3) Finished up rotations and became Dr. Reamsnyder





4) Studied my arse off and passed the boards to become Jacob Reamsnyder, R.Ph... and joined a so-highly-esteemed profession



5) And whilst I complain about the stresses of my job, it has allowed us to rapidly progress onto the next Life Project... coming to you ~April 2012, Castle Reamsnyder will be completed



Also went on a crazy vacation with friends, had a blast at the McGinty clan reunion (120 Scottish people, booze, and McKaraoke? Yes please!), and lost 45 pounds.

In fact, just to show how backwards Team Reamsnyder does things, we are down a collective 85 pounds since the wedding-
Before:





Kinda gross, right? I can assure you that I publish the above pictures without Megan's approval. I will be punished for this.

and... After:



Ahh yes, MUCH sleeker
- Some people count pounds or inches... we are both excited to be back down to a single chin each.

Anyways, when I look at where I am in life compared to this same time a year ago, it is rather surprising to see how much has changed. I'm happier, healthier, married, gainfully employed, and confident in my direction in life. Last year I watched my money evaporate from educational costs, while this year I'm... still watching my money evaporate, but at least now its for COOL BIG things that I get to keep.

But as we all know, the further you go in life, the more you end up right back at the beginning...

Facebook role model

So I'm coaching lacrosse for my beloved HS alma mater this Spring, and one of the other assistant coaches just got fired. There were many reasons, one of which included him having a lot of publicly inappropriate facebook photos. This made me immediately realize that I needed to get a more wholesome digital persona, and fast.

Here are some live-blogged "untag highlights"

- 3 pictures of me holding Donny in my arms. While Donny is wearing a prom dress

- 1 picture of me and Katie - proudly holding my sock that Katie bit a hole in during our cruise Quest domination

- More than a few pictures of me either drinking, shotgunning, or drunk-dancing. 2 of me drunk-dancing while holding a beer and wearing a 3-foot-tall balloon hat.

- 1 photo of me posing next to a "Mr. Viagra" sign

- 2 photos of me double-fisting 40s of King Cobra

- A few pictures of me dressed as Harry Potter... not necessarily bad role-model behavior, but not something I want high school jocks to see

- A few photos of us playing the rolling game
(I'm starting to notice I just need to eliminate every photo taken of me while visiting OU)

- Photos of me standing on a chair and screaming (never knew the lyrics...) along to some Wicked song

- I feel like prior to this, my tagged photos over-represented the amount of time I spend snuggling with other men


- Photos of us playing Buck Buck.... actually, some of those are just too awesome. Photos that represent my jumping prowess must stay.

- Now I'm getting nostalgic and more stubborn about which photos *really* have to be untagged. The picture of me and Donny in the baby pool is a keeper.

- Nor am I ashamed of any photo in which I am holding a poodle

- One photo of me skipping down the street. Coaches don't skip.

- That photo from Sweetheart 2002 is just so damn epic. Let's remind everybody that it still exists.

- Can't get rid of that one of me rodeo-riding the tiger sculpture at the zoo

- I don't think my presence in any album titled "Mika Dance Party" needs to be known

- Starting to get really depressed about the 40 pound up and down weight rollercoaster that pharmacy school has been for me

- Drunk Jake 2006 themes included: Standing on banisters, doing the Heisman pose, letting people know that I'm #1, and of course- staring open-mouthed at the camera

- I'd forgotten that Meg and I started to mock some peers when we started titling our albums "**hOcKiNg HiLlS aDvEnTuRe** *~*lOvE*~*" and so on. Too snooty to remove this opportunity to again look down my nose at such people.

- aaand now I'm dancing with an inflatable palm tree

- Man-on-man piggyback rides? totally kosher

- Not at all ashamed of all the pictures where I can tell I was flexing my calf muscles extra hard

- Dancing with a bowling ball

I have now reached the Halloween where I dressed up as Jigglypuff. It would be too hurtful to ever tarnish the glory that was this costume, and therefore I will now stop this untagging business. I figure if I just look like a boring old married dude, nobody's going to look past the first couple hundred photos, right?

I know that linking to another blog isn't really a true update, but I felt the need to share this one anyway:

http://drgrumpyinthehouse.blogspot.com/2011/02/drug-r-us.html

Dr. Grumpy is one of my favorite blogs to follow, for a few reasons... he's funny, he's snarky, and he enjoys pointing out the general stupidities of the world - everything I dream to be! His blog is also one of the rare physician blogs, while there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 4000 pharmacy blogs (we are, by nature, a whiny people). He also is nice to the pharmacy bloggers and often goes into detail on pharmaceutical issues.

Anyway, the people reading this blog that are actually interested in the pharmacy part of it probably already know about Dr. Grumpy, but in case you didn't, please to enjoy.

In my life, there isn't too much new. I'm stuck at Meijer this month, cramming pills into a bottle as fast as possible and counting the minutes go by as slowly as possible. The wifey and I both hit a mid-winter slump regarding our general place in life (working a combined 80 hours a week, living frugally, and yet somehow making negative money - have I mentioned how much I love rotations?) but we are trying to take back control of what we can and we are doing better now. I got a lacrosse coaching position with WNHS, and I'll be bossing around the JV team along with another guy who I think is going to be pretty cool to work with. Most importantly, I get to boss around Tyler's little brother, which will be strange but satisfying.

And now I'm going to be late going to Meijer... they get what they pay for, right?

Dr. and Mrs. Reamsnyder

It's been over a month since a rather momentous occasion... I successfully tricked Meg into marrying me. Married life hasn't changed me all too much, the day-to-day is very much the same. I have noticed that people treat you with much more legitimacy and respect when you're a married man, which is nice. I've already started thinking of myself as a "family man", even if my only child right now is a 70 pound rottweiler. Gotta take care of my own, ya know.

Just about everyone reading this would have been at the wedding, so I won't bother going too much into detail on that. It was beautiful and cute and sweet and the happiest day of my life. It was great to see everybody there, great to have the family so heavily involved, great to celebrate our relationship with all the important people in our lives. Thanks everybody for making it such a wonderful day.

The honeymoon afterward was amazing. We went to Sandals at Montego Bay in Jamaica, and it was a slice of paradise. Full service, beautiful weather, big long beach, totally clear water, delicious food, free booze, great activities, and pure relaxation. We both felt a thousand pounds lighter having all the wedding planning done and after everything went so perfectly, and it was nice just to be together without anything else bothering us. We got to reconnect and enjoy the beginning of our new life together, and I couldn't have been happier.

In less fun news, I've been really struggling with my pharmacy rotation this month. I'm with the oncology specialty pharmacists at the James cancer hospital at OSU. I didn't anticipate how emotionally draining it would be to interact with such sick and frail people every day.
I'm having a much harder time disconnecting from it than I have in other practice settings. It's especially difficult because every patient and family I meet reminds me of somebody I know, and I feel overwhelmed with much more empathy than I expected. Every single case is a damned tragedy and I can't stop thinking about the problems facing the patients and their families. One patient was a stage 4 (almost always terminal) widowed mother with 15 and 13-year-old daughters. Another patient was a dying 25-year-old guy with his 23-year-old, 8-months-pregnant wife... that one really sent me into a spin. I can't even imagine how I would handle it if I was dying and Meg was pregnant or we already had young kids... it's terrifying.
I can't get all the patients out of my head when I get home and I can't stop putting myself in their shoes. I've had countless nightmares since this month began where I or someone I love is being told they have metastatic cancer, or I'm watching them fade away from the disease.
This is all further made worse by the sinking realization that, given my family history, cancer is probably what will kill me and most of my immediate family, eventually. It's terrifying because I've seen enough young people dying from it to know that it can strike at a frighteningly young age. By no means am I saying that it's more convenient to die when you're elderly, but it terrifies me that it'll come too soon, when I still have a family depending on me.
Most of the patients seem more concerned about the people who depend on them, rather than being concerned about themselves. It's just constantly heartbreaking. It must take a special kind of person to work in this type of setting. With the limitations of what I can do in this rotation setting, I don't feel like I'm making any difference, so there's no fulfillment by making patients happier or more comfortable or more ready. I constantly feel helpless, feeling like I don't know enough, or we don't have the science these people need, feeling like even if we try our damnedest but we still are powerless against so much.

I used to think I wouldn't have a problem, and be able to separate myself and be fine when I got home from a work environment like that. I was wrong.

Next time I post I'll prolly be married

Let's skip the traditional apologies for lack of posting and just get on with it:

1. Wedding is in less than a month. People keep asking me how I feel and I always respond "I'm ready for marriage but I'm not ready for the wedding." Planning and preparation for this whole shindig has been a high-stress nightmare and I've only put in a fraction the effort Meg has put in, so make sure you let her know how wonderful everything looks. In real life, planning a wedding is not anything like the Hollywood version which is usually a 90 second montage of sniffing flowers and eating cake and being filled with glee. I'm just ready for everything to be taken care of and be able to relax and enjoy the day and move forward with life and a wife.
Thankfully we have a hell of a way to relax once everything is done (Jamaica, whooooo!) and I think we are deservedly spoiling ourselves on the honeymoon.

Can we all still be friends even after I'm the "weird old married guy"? I worry at times that our friends won't know how to deal with us socially once we're married... we can still be fun, individually or together, so don't be scared of us, please.

2. Work/school/career-wise: still totally obsessed with nuclear pharmacy as a new career path. I finished my Cardinal rotation and then did a very hands-on rotation at the OSU nuclear pharmacy in September, and they confirmed what I want to do. Unfortunately it's a very small niche practice with a low turnover rate, so chances were always against me to start in it, especially since I don't want to move. I've spent a lot of time trying to become super-best-friends with a professor at OSU who is practically the nuclear pharmacy guru for the eastern half of the US and he keeps me informed of any opportunities in the field.
I went ahead and accepted the CVS offer because I don't think anything will open up in nuclear in the next year around Columbus and because they offered me a boatload of money, and it's only a 1-year commitment. If something magical happens and I get an offer in nuclear, I can get out of CVS by paying back the bonus they gave me for committing... which seems easy except we already spent every penny of that bonus an wedding/house/life needs.

3. Pharmacy rotations aren't too bad... I apparently have a knack for picking rotations that aren't too demanding. Currently I'm pretending to be a clinical pharmacist at OSU's family medicine office, and it is more interesting than I thought it would be. There's a lot of interaction with patients and physicians and I'm being forced to remember a bunch of stuff I needed to review for the licensing exam anyway. Stupid/unmotivated patients are extremely frustrating, but it definitely provides insight as to the inability of the average American to take care of themselves.
One funny story so far:
If I'm being told a patient's medical history/complaints before I go in to talk to the patient, you would think that SOMEBODY WOULD MENTION THE PATIENT IS DEAF. So I go in, introduce myself, dude seems shy and introverted, and I start rambling for a good minute and a half about his meds and asking how he's feeling. So after I get done with my spiel, he tilts his head in the classic quizzical manner, and then starts throwing some serious rapid-fire ASL at me. I hope he couldn't read lips, because despite my background as a scholar and a gentleman, my next spoken words were definitely "Ohhhhhh fuck."
I then politely excused myself (read: after cursing and instantly breaking into a full-body sweat, I mumbled something, did what I hoped was interpreted as a "hold on a minute" gesture, and scooted out of the room at 90 mph) and proceeded to patiently inquire the staff as to what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Eventually they brought in a webcam and monitor and we connected to the interpreter's service for OSU and had ourselves a very awkward and halting conversation.

Afterwards I was left to wonder - is it more embarrassing to be the patient and have to make the signs to a 60 year-old female ASL interpreter on a webcam that you have "groin pain"? Or is it more embarrassing to be the interpreter who has to see the signs and then announce to the anything-but-mature 24 year-old pharmacy student "I think he's trying to say his groin hurts" and then watch him try desperately not to laugh in front of the patient?