I wrapped up my "Community Health Volunteer" hours today with a Central Ohio Diabetes Association screening and education event at the Ohio Family Opportunity Center on the south side.
I know George Carlin beat the subject to death, but the fluffy language bothers me, so let's translate the above:
I finished my required service hours for school by poking fat people in their fingers, telling them their body can no longer compensate for the Dunkin Donuts floating through their blood vessels, and then they picked up their food stamps while their squealing bastard children ran rampant around our booth. I assume they probably then went out and got more STDs and/or Dunkin Donuts. I then came home and tried to wash as much depression-stink and HIV off of me as possible.
I love society... especially when I get to "Serve the underserved!"
One highlight: Explaining to a middle-aged woman in front of her daughter what erectile dysfunction means.
She then turns to daughter and tries to explain it as, "You know, the penis doesn't get long, and grow..." and the daughter clarifies, "You mean his dick can't get hard?"
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Resumes
The wifey is polishing up her resume and letting me give her useless advice, and I realized that I haven't touched my resume since I started grad school. So I pulled up "Jake Resume 2007.doc" to see how hilariously inappropriate it presently is.
Some highlights include:
- My "Work Experience" still lists The Buckle at Easton - - - despite the vast educational/experential benefit of a 4-month stint putting security tags on jeans in 2004, I think we can safely remove it
- Boasting of my EAP (Early Admission Pathway) to the CoP... totally inconsequential now that I am actually IN the CoP
- I should probably mention that I have a college degree somewhere in the updated version
- Still listed as a CVS/Pharmacy "Pharmacy Service Associate/ Technician"... I can now simplify that to "Intern / Person who gets all the shit dumped on him"
- About 25% of the 1-page resume is still dedicated to ye olden days of high school glory. This is obviously the funniest part to read now.
This will be tough to cut (though I understand the absolute necessity to purge HS accomplishments from 5 to 8 years ago) because I think out of all my life eras, I was most impressive among my peers as a high school senior. Old version of the resume still includes: HS GPA, graduating rank, ACT score, National Honors Society, Scholar-Athlete awards, blah blah blah.
- Think I can still convince somebody to hire me because I was 1st team all-Ohio and captain of the lacrosse team? "2007 Jake Resume.doc" sure thought it was pertinent information. This is crushing to remove because I don't get nearly enough chances to subtly mention that I was indeed a total lacrosse stud. I repeat, I don't get to mention enough that I was 1st team all-state and a man among boys. I reiterate that there aren't enough opportunities in everyday life to inform people I was FIRST TEAM ALL-OHIO without sounding, you know, like I'm bragging.
- I just can't do it anymore... I've tried to bullshit it long enough, but I think it's time to admit that my Spanish-speaking skills no longer be listed as "Proficient". Although I can still tell people to "Tome un tableta por la boca tres veces al dia" si lo necesite. Ole!
At least "2007 Jake Resume.doc" is lightyears ahead of "2004 Jake Resume 2.0.doc" which still contained these resume-boosting nuggets:
Co-founder and Parliamentary officer, British Club
Advanced snowboarder, WNHS Ski Club
Oh British Club...
Some highlights include:
- My "Work Experience" still lists The Buckle at Easton - - - despite the vast educational/experential benefit of a 4-month stint putting security tags on jeans in 2004, I think we can safely remove it
- Boasting of my EAP (Early Admission Pathway) to the CoP... totally inconsequential now that I am actually IN the CoP
- I should probably mention that I have a college degree somewhere in the updated version
- Still listed as a CVS/Pharmacy "Pharmacy Service Associate/ Technician"... I can now simplify that to "Intern / Person who gets all the shit dumped on him"
- About 25% of the 1-page resume is still dedicated to ye olden days of high school glory. This is obviously the funniest part to read now.
This will be tough to cut (though I understand the absolute necessity to purge HS accomplishments from 5 to 8 years ago) because I think out of all my life eras, I was most impressive among my peers as a high school senior. Old version of the resume still includes: HS GPA, graduating rank, ACT score, National Honors Society, Scholar-Athlete awards, blah blah blah.
- Think I can still convince somebody to hire me because I was 1st team all-Ohio and captain of the lacrosse team? "2007 Jake Resume.doc" sure thought it was pertinent information. This is crushing to remove because I don't get nearly enough chances to subtly mention that I was indeed a total lacrosse stud. I repeat, I don't get to mention enough that I was 1st team all-state and a man among boys. I reiterate that there aren't enough opportunities in everyday life to inform people I was FIRST TEAM ALL-OHIO without sounding, you know, like I'm bragging.
- I just can't do it anymore... I've tried to bullshit it long enough, but I think it's time to admit that my Spanish-speaking skills no longer be listed as "Proficient". Although I can still tell people to "Tome un tableta por la boca tres veces al dia" si lo necesite. Ole!
At least "2007 Jake Resume.doc" is lightyears ahead of "2004 Jake Resume 2.0.doc" which still contained these resume-boosting nuggets:
Co-founder and Parliamentary officer, British Club
Advanced snowboarder, WNHS Ski Club
Oh British Club...
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